Eating Out In Melbourne: A Rant

Recently, a friend reminded me that ‘nice guys come last’, and for some reason her words have continued to eminate with me. Sadly, I feel that Eyes on the Fries has become just that; the ‘nice guy’, and as I sit here and scroll through the past posts, as entertaining as they may be, I can’t help but feel that something is missing from the blog. Everything seems to be just a little too ‘friendly’ and ‘obliging’, which I have since decided that I am not okay with.

I feel as though this blog should be like that boyfriend or girlfriend that you dont want to bring home to meet your parents. We ought to be the one who rides a motorcycle, has facial piercings, and listens to some serious rock and roll. Yes people, it is very much a “lock up your daughters” situation. I have put on the leather for this post, and I certainly don’t plan on holding back on anyone with the nerve to serve up anything that looks like shit, tastes like shit, and is served by someone who doesn’t wear shoes (I’m looking at you Hairy Canary)… Yes bitches, your day of reckoning has arrived!



Let’s kick off with Arcadia. My experience with Arcadia is that of shit food and even shittier service. My first encounter with this cafe was for a quick coffee and cake, the only issue being that neither my “coffee” and “cake” were quick. I place “coffee” and “cake” within inverted commas as my coffee could very well be mistaken for dirty dish water and my cake for some kind of inedible rock. But let’s just back track a bit to the ordering part… Unless I missed something, I was under the distinct impression that the staff (who literally look worse than a homeless person) actually came to take your order, instead of you doing all the leg work for your god damn coffee and cake.

Being the forgiving individual that I am, I later returned to Arcadia for a quick lunch… Sorry, did I say ‘quick’ again? There seemed to be no improvement on their lunch either. Some dry chicken sandwich eventually found it’s way to my table- fortunately this time without the leg work. However this didn’t change much, the food was still totally unsatisfactory…

I am still asking myself how this place is surviving on Gertrude Street with neighbors like De Clieu and Birdman Eating? At least you now know better than to waste ya pennies here…

Arcadia on Urbanspoon



Do you know what is really starting to get old? Eclectic furniture. History shows, that the whole “deck your restaurant out in furniture from your gran’s house” movement coincided with the “indie” movement, neither of which are altogether acceptable… It seems, that for some reason, if your restaurant doesn’t include one article of furniture from a Salvo’s store, it is simply not ‘Melbourne’ enough…

Whilst we are on the topic of “second best”, we may as well talk about the overly kitsch Colonel Tan’s. I mean, I can kind of understand how it thrives, being situated down the “grungy end” of Chapel Street and all, but surely its saving grace should be its cheap and cheerful Thai street food not its fucking op shop decor. Well no, even the food doesn’t seem on par with it’s culinary counterparts: Cookie and Choo Choo’s at The Toff In Town…

During my visit, I was seated and told I had only an hour and a half before the table became reserved for a booking. This is not usually an issue, but due to incredibly slow service, I could only nibble on some pork spare ribs (and I mean literally ‘nibble’… These things were practically all bone!) and throw back a beer before we had to vacate the table! Perhaps the other items on the menu which I had thought I might have ordered as later courses are worth your while, but with service as slow as it was, one would need to set aside a good five fucking hours, in order to get a proper feed!

Colonel Tan's on Urbanspoon



Not altogether sure why this place is hot on the lips of every second Melbournian at the moment… Well, yeah it’s fucking cheap. Actually, probably the cheapest feed you can find in this city. But cheap doesn’t always constitute palatable. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. Perhaps it was the time of day which we chose to dine, but the pintos on offer ranged from some cold green puréed shit, to a slice of tomato and a leaf of basil on a piece of dry baguette. No points for ingenuity awarded…

Can’t really complain about the service here, as it’s kinda up to you to have your cake and eat it too… Or pintos in such a situation.

Naked For Satan on Urbanspoon



I feel especially cheated by Cafe Vue. I’ve given it a few chances to redeem itself, but there is always something or someone which manages to totally fuck it up.

The first time I went to Cafe Vue was for breakfast. And, let me just add that I was properly stoked for it too. Right from the get go, things were just… Lacking. I’m definitely one of those people who isn’t quite themselves without my morning coffee… Volatile is probably the best given adjective for my pre-caffeine self. So, as you can imagine, some lukewarm cup of crap by 11AM is hardly going to avail. Breakfast was hardly as delicious as it was cracked up to be. The ‘Spanish eggs’ are better described as some baked eggs in a flavourless tomato purée…

I returned, reluctantly, for lunch. No surprises, the burger and fries ordered were soggy and bland. However, this time I didn’t bother wasting my money on their coffee…

Café Vue at 401 on Urbanspoon



Yes, I know I have already gone to town about how shit this place is, but I feel it is my duty to inform you of the following… For some reason I ended up back at this hell hole not long ago, and in all honesty I can’t actually recall why that was..? Anyway, we all ordered some pizza and drinks, from the foreign waitress who initially seemed almost obliging.

When the food arrived, the issue did not seem to be a question of ingredient or flavour, the issue was again one of service… I’ll just be blunt. The waitress didn’t have any shoes on…

I find it quite abnormal to not wear any shoes for any line of work. But, I find it actually disgusting for this girl to have her dirty toes out around my food… Unsure if it’s a cultural thing or if she is a few crayons short of a box, but I question her own sanity along with the whole food hygiene of Hairy Canary…

Hairy Canary on Urbanspoon


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2 thoughts on “Eating Out In Melbourne: A Rant

  1. BardzoWyoskie says:

    God, you’re good!

    If you were a girl, I’d suggest PMS pills, but as your name is JACK, I will take heed of your advice and steer clear of these eateries.


  2. Jade says:

    Let it all out Jack Attack!! Sugar coating is for articles in the epicure… 😛 Besides, everyone loves a good rant!

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